It’s the 4th week of school and behavior is starting to hazily resemble something that would be deemed almost appropriate for classroom. Reading levels are assessed and I have a general idea of how far behind each individual student actually is and yet as I find everyday, when one hurdle is crossed it is only to find 100 more lying in your wake. The newest hurdle is attendance. There are now 14 students enrolled in this class, today 6 showed up. Two are suspended and six are just not here. One girl, who is quite bright and does for the most part want to succeed in the class, came back today after being absent the last 6 school days. I gave her the work she missed and I am confident that at least she will make it up. However, most of the students do not. They don’t ask what they’ve missed or what needs to be made up. I have a folder of all the work the kids miss when they’re absent. It’s overflowing at this point. One month into school and many of these students are failing simply because they have not been here. How do you combat that? I give them their work, I explain to them what they have missed and what needs to be done, and then 2 days later they are gone again.

Yesterday was my birthday. My present to myself, I took the day off. I have the weekends off yes but rarely are they not filled with errands, grocery shopping, cleaning, and other things that are just not done during the week. It was a good time for reflection. To simply be able to sit at a café and read, uninterrupted, with no one wanting anything from you, was the best present I could have given myself.

I still have yet to be paid. I filled out my paper work and registered at payroll. They said it would take 3 paychecks for direct deposit to go through so my first few paychecks would be mailed to me. I have student loans that are going un-paid. My cell phone company is calling but I have no money to pay them. Rent is due in 2 weeks and I have cleaned out practically my entire savings at this point. Just another hurdle to jump.

Breaking them Down - Week 2

Tuesday - Being home for the weekend, and a long weekend at that, has made them crazy. In the halls they tackle each other and play tag. In the morning we had extra time so I decided to take the time to play a short game to get to know each other. The kids had another plan. Still as silent as could be. I decided to freeze them out. "Fine. You don't want to play then sit there in silence." So they sat. They sat and they stared at the wall for 15 minutes. Then they spoke. I don't remember who spoke first or what was said but it didn't matter. At this point any communication was welcomed. The bell rang and they went to their first class. An hour later I'm standing in the hall during passing period when one of my students walked by with her friends. They look at me and say, "must suck to have the white bitch as a teacher." Again I realize where I am. I didn't say anything to the students just let it roll off my back but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it made me think a little harder about if this was the right place to be.

Thursday - The week went okay. The cursing of my students died down somewhat. They are listening a bit better. I even had a student bring me a gift today. Nakida and I were talking about soda yesterday and she said that her favorite was peach soda. I had never tried it before and today she brought me a bottle. The simplest gesture and yet it showed me I was making some sort of progress. Today was sad though as well. Yesterday was Tia's birthday and this morning when I asked her how it went she said not good. I asked if she had cake and she said no she didn't. Her mom had to put gas in the car so she had no money left to buy her a cake. Can you imagine your birthday without a cake? I gave her a big hug but my heart broke for her.

Friday - My co-teacher was out today so I had the kids all day by myself. I found that I relaxed around them. I started to get into the groove I think but just when I started to breathe I lost my breath again. A new student walked in, Aina. She is 14. She is 5 months pregnant. She has more attitude then any of my kids. She curses a lot. She will be hard to break, if breakable at all.

Not So Golden Silence - Week 1

The first week of school is over and to be honest there were times when I never thought I would make it out with my sanity intact.
Day 1: Teachers always dream their students will be sitting on the edge of their seat, hanging on every word, and entirely too engrossed with our teaching to even try to interrupt or distract others by talking. Silence was my first day. Yet, it was not the silence of students waiting or engrossed. It was an eerie silence like how a scary movie’s music cuts out just before someone is killed. They did not talk me the teacher; they did not talk to each other; they did not talk at all. What would seem like a blessing in reality was a curse. How do you have a discussion about goals for your future when your kids don’t talk? How do you get to know them as people when they refuse to communicate, answer questions, look at you at all? Teens talk, they socialize, they communicate with each other all the time and yet these kids did not.
I have never seen the likes of what I saw in my classroom. There are 18 students scheduled to be in my class; only 7 showed up on that first day. First day of school and less than half are there. None of them even know why they are in a classroom with the same two teachers all day long. At first it did not even dawn on me that they wouldn’t know. Half way through they day one student said, “why we gotta be in this stupid class with you two all day?” I then understood; they truly had no idea what was wrong. So we discussed it and now I understand a bit more, most these students had everything against them from the start. *Deandre was not enrolled in school until age 7. *Sherri went to kindergarten and 1st grade, was never enrolled in 2nd grade and missed an entire year of school. She went on to 3rd grade and passed but failed 4th as a result of missing 2nd. One student has missed approximately 50 – 75 days of school every year since 3rd grade. Obstacles like these are put in place not by the students and it’s hard to not feel bad for them at first but you have to know it won’t help.
Day 3: We had a lockdown today because there were gunshots fired from the projects behind the school into the fields. They found two bullet casings. No one was trying to hurt anyone my guess, just bored and trying to cause a stir. I’m understanding the world they come form but they’re still silent.
Day 4: It hit me. These students are the ones that are not perfect by any means and yet they haven’t done anything bad enough to get kicked out yet. They are used to silence. They have sat in the back of most classrooms silent. They aren’t behavior problems so they just sit back and hope that they if they don’t cause too much trouble then their teachers will just up and pass them. Tragic really now that I think about it because for the most part it has worked for them.

High expectations - low realities

With all the nerves and anticipation of any teacher at the start of a new year, I stepped into my school on the first day of staff development, just 4 short days before the students arrived. That first hour was filled with motivational speak from the brand new principal of the middle school I was just hired at. She was from another Title 1 school in another state. Full of ideas and energy, she excited me and appealed to the idealism that is so often found in new teachers. Later that day I found that she was in fact the 4th principal this school has had in the last 6 years. The staff was more than half new as well, including 2 of the 3 assistant principals. The school was not without the typical problems facing most urban schools with the exception that it was rebuilt in the early 2000's so it was nice. After hours of hearing about the plans to rebuild the students morale, raise test scores, and promote general well being among the staff, finally the time came for me to get my classroom. The classroom serves as sanctuary for many teachers. We don't control the standards, the curriculum, or the students we get but we do control how the inside of our classroom looks like. I was stoked. I got my key, made my way up the stairs, and walked down the hall to my classroom.
As soon as I keyed open the lock and walked in my heart sank. It was a science classroom. It had no wall space as the walls were covered almost entirely with cabinets. There was less than half a white board, the other half being covered with grid lines. There were no desks just heavy tables, plugged up sinks, and dirty counters. To ice the cake there was also a tremendous amount of stuff leftover from the last teacher. Apparently she had never moved out and everything from old pencils to broken beakers were strewn about. I left feeling deflated and broken. I didn't expect a glorious place but I did expect more than that. I knew I had two choices I could either wallow in self pity, which would help no one, or I get over it and work with what I had. I chose the latter. So after nearly 15 hours of intense cleaning, alot of creative spacing, and half a roll of butcher paper I had a classroom. It wasn't ideal but it would do. Now all I had to do was wait for the kids.

A new beginning...

Before I am able to delve into the present, a short overview of the past is necessary. I was raised in a typical upper-middle class suburban neighborhood. I am Caucasian, as were most of my friends and the student population at the public schools I attended. I have wanted to teach for as long as I can remember. It is rare nowadays that a student graduates college with the same major that they began, but I was one of those rarities. With only one exception, I held fast to the desire to be a teacher and when I considered for a brief moment perhaps that was not my destiny, I was brought right back to it the moment I left school and was allowed inside a real classroom. As for teaching inner city, that idea came about only in college when I truly began to understand that where you come from often determines where you will go and something inside me longed to try and do anything I could to change this. So to the surprise of few who know me best, I was determined as soon as I could that I would accomplish my goal. After one semester of teaching at a Title 1 school in the southwest I decided it was time to pack up and start out on a new adventure.
Six weeks and a lot of prayers later I landed a job as a middle school language arts teacher in an "urban" inner-city school. Among the school's obstacles include failure to meet AYP gvedoals for too many years, high turn around in adminsitration and teacher staffing, a lack of motivation among students, and a student population comprised mostly from the two housing projects surrounding the school. I was to teach a class of students that are too old for their grade level. In essence those students who have failed enough that they are considered to be in high risk of dropping out because of their age and grade level. The student's range from 13-15 and are in grades 7 and 8. I knew all this going in and yet after only one week of teaching I see that no matter what statistics I had heard or what I had studied nothing could have prepared me for what I would encounter. ...

* I will take this moment to say that in order to protect the student's identities and the integrity of both the school and district for which I work, all names will be changed.